Monday, October 20, 2008

Today I was praying a madeh (hymn) during a darees (service) and there was a stanza that said how the real Jannat (Heaven) is really when Aqa Moula appears in your grave and brings your jaan to jannat.

Gulaam na hea arz tashreef lana, qabar meh yeh bandeh ko, moula bechana
Agar laye tashreef, moula kabar meh, toh roza-e-jannat nahi hea toh kiya hea

Whenever a mumin passes away, he is comforted by the fact that he will not be alone, his saviour and holy father will come and lead him to the glorious presence of Imam-uz-zaman. Moula will introduce the mumin to the Penjetan Pak who have come to welcome him.

I was just thinking that even for those that the deceased has left behind, Aqa Moula remains an immense source of comfort. When Dadima passed away, we were comforted by the fact that she is not alone and that Aqa Moula was there to guide her on her journey to Imam-uz-zaman. Any mumin who has a person close to him or her pass away is comforted by the fact that their loved ones who are deceased are being cared for by Aqa Moula.

Moula is just amazing. He is my source of comfort in every grief and pain. He is my comfort in every sorrow and every impossible situation. His cooling shadow is my refuge.

Moula always keep me close to you.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm sick and tired.

I'm sick and tired of being the problem solver to solve problems that were unnecessarily created.

I'm sick and tired of helping people out and being treated like crap.

I'm sick and tired for working my head off just to know that other people are being seen in better light.

I'm sick and tired of having people not listen to me and when things go wrong, I can't even say "I told you so" because of protocol.

I'm sick and tired of not having time to do the things I really want to do because I need so much down time right now because of all the repair work that needs to be done.

I'm sick and tired.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The writing of papers is really getting to me. This semester, I have to write papers for 3 modules. Yes, you heard correctly, THREE whole modules. For the Singapore: The Making of a Nation I have to write 4 response papers plus one term paper. For Virtue and Leadership, its 3 short assignments (You can feel free to write more, and I am planning to write more than 3 because its quite an interesting module) plus one term paper and for my independant study module on Ribonucleic Acids, 2 response papers and one term paper. Altogether, 12 papers this sesmester, at least!!! I love writing and all, but sometimes the sheer volume of writing you have to do really kills any enthusisasm you had to begin with.

But one thing that writing does force you to do is to organise your thoughts effectively and use language in a creative way to bring across your point of view. It really hones the mind to think more critically about the subject matter instead of just regurgitating stories heard in the past.

While writing so many papers in one semester isn't exactly something to look forward to, I think I'm really growing from this experience. As a science student you don't have many opportunity to write such papers, thankfully as a usp student I do.

Oh well....busy busy busy.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

I was watching an episode of "The West Wing" which was entitled "The Long Goodbye". In this episode, the White House Press Secretary C.J. Cregg goes back to visit her dad who is suffering from the early stages of alzheimers disease. The reason why episode was titled as it was is because the nickname for the disease is the long goodbye.

Dadima had Alzheimer's Disease which was diagnosed around 3-4 years back. While she showed some signs of the disease such as forgetting something she did a couple of minutes back, it never really affected her spirits and her daily life. She was still quite independant (though due to her age, she wasn't able to go out alone anymore and her movements were significantly slowed down). After Ramazan and Eid last year, she suddenly fell into depression and her appetite was severely reduced. In retrospect, that was the exact moment where her health took a turn for the worse. She lost a lot of weight and much of her independance. She was hardly able to walk and had to rest most of the time.

Despite all of this, she never lost her love and concern for all of us. Arefa got married in August and I know Dadima wanted to go for her wedding in our ancestral town, Dahod but due to her health she wasn't able to go there. So Daddy suggested that we hold one of the celebratory events in Singapore where the bride's uncle on her mother's side performs a ceremony giving the bride new clothes and presents so that Dadima could be part of the wedding. I know that Dadima was in a lot of pain but she managed to muster all the strength she could so that she could make her grandchildren happy. All throughout the ceremony she didn't say anything and even joined in the celebrations in her favourite new clothes, the red set. It was only after everything was over when she asked the maid to bring her back to her room.

There was no long goodbye here. Dadima was our protective mother all the way. Only when she was admitted to hospital when reality struck us that perhaps she might not make it.

There are still times now when I look back and remember that times where I sometimes got frustrated while looking after Dadima and many times the frustrations clearly showed. I couldn't understand what she was going through. I'm sure it must have hurt her to see me like that but she didn't say anything. I sometimes wonder whether I did all I could.

Eid ul fitr was not much of a celebratory time this year. Dadima was missing. And the void was felt really badly.

I hope that she's finally found peace in the glorious presence of Imam uz zaman now and that she knows we still love her and miss her dearly.