Wednesday, March 25, 2009

So many many things have happened in the last few weeks that have uplifted, inspired, motivated and enriched me. I am so thankful that all of this has happened to me and I know that Aqa Moula (TUS) paryers have been with me all this while and his light has been guiding me in the right direction and opening new paths and opportunities for me.

I presented a paper at the 2nd International Conference on Character Development Through Service and Experiential Learning. My paper was on a theory of mentorship that I had been working on and it was about how a student leader's full potential could be developed. The presentation went well and quite a few people came to approach me after my talk. There was one professor who asked if I was interested in writing a paper together with him for the next conference! That was way cool. More importantly though, the experience was like an amazing sabbatical for me. I was surrounded by so many like-minded people from around the world who shared the same ideas on education as me and we discussed them vigorously with one another. The keynote speakers were inspirational, espeacially Melissa Kwee who did a great job and left a big impression on evryone by saying that "Without love the story is not worth telling". I want my story to be worth telling, I want to make a difference in the lives of young people. I know what I wanna do!

Argh....running out of time. Will type more later! :)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

While life still seems to be in a downward spiral to the much anticipated rock bottom, there seems to be a silver lining.

Ironically, the chaos seems to bring some sort of clarity. My incessant need to take charge of my own affairs and my overly analytical mind have combined to force me to think through the issues and get to the bottom of the problems that supposedly plague me now.

I've been thinking over yesterday and today what my life is really centered around. I realise that perhaps the things I may be centering around now are just manifestations of the principles I should center my life around. And when these manifestations disappear, as things often have a habit of doing, I will find myself in the same turmoil again.

So what is really my life centered around? I think there are a couple of things. But I have not thought through everything yet.

However, I have thought about something. One of the most important things that my life is centered around is Aqa Moula (TUS) and the path of light he is leading me upon. Let's face it, I have been far from perfect over the past few years. Yet, Moula never judges. Moula doesn't tell me 'go away'. I have been blessed to be in his holy presence year after year. That is proof enough that if God wills me to be in his presence, then certainly Moula wants me there. That Moula has called me. Despite everything, Moula draws me nearer and gives me so much more than I deserve. Even now in my most troubled moments, the world "Moula" appears on my lips. Even if I had forgotten him, he has never forgotten me. Moula guides me patiently towards the right principles. In this day, he seems to be the only leader that calls for love, peace and hope. How can I ever let go of Moula? He is my rock. In the darkest and lonliest night, Moula is the light of hope.

It's a true miracle that one can feel so blessed even in the most desolate of times.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Since life is toying around with me at the moment, I think I shall take the time to blog, though it is seeming quite difficult to articulate what I think I'm currently going through.

Too many things are happening at the same time right now.

I'm expected to grow up all so quickly. I just turned 24. Yes, I may not be the 'party dude' type but I value my youth. As much as I laugh it off, I hate it when people tell me that I'm old or that age is catching up with me or whatever. While not exactly wanting to be Peter Pan, I would really like to stay young a bit longer. I'm 24 for crying out loud! I still want to be active. I still want to be free to make my own decisions without being weighed down by a million responsibilities. I still want to be able to dream and achieve those dreams. I want to accomplish so much more, so don't write me off yet, please?

Work has piled up like crazy. I really have no idea how this has happened but for the first time in my life I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew. How is this happening? I still have a hectic schedule and so much work to do. Goodness, when will everything fall in place?

Now that I am in a relationship, I think i have to start getting serious about where my priorities lie. I don't think I have been giving my relationship the attention it deserves. I think I'm trying hard but not hard enough. But seriously, its a long distance relationship at the moment. Does that mean I have to try even harder? Or just accept that things move slower in a relationship like this? Don't get me wrong, I love UH to bits and think she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wonder if there is still a small part of me somewhere that is afraid of commitment and is blocking out my common sense. If there is this small part, I want to surgically remove it. Coz seriously, UH, you're my sunshine :)

The pangs of anxiety that I get once in a while has increased significantly in frequency. There are days when anxiety and frustration grip me for hours on end. And you know what? I don't know why that is so.

And lately, I sometimes feel like I'm a failure. What have I achieved in the last 24 years? Have I accomplished the goals I set for myself? Seriously, the question begs to be asked, what have I achieved? A close friend who listens to my constant rantings was kind enough to do some research and point out to me that I have achieved quite a lot. But I don't know. I just can't shake this feeling. An early twenties crisis? Give me a break. I should stop whining.

And as if things couldn't get any worse, I fell ill yesterday and got a 3-day MC. I'm barely able to type out this blog post as it is. I have got so much work to do and now I have to contend with getting better.

There seems to be no end to this dark tunnel. Yay.

And you know what the funny thing is? A few weeks ago, I thought life couldn't be better. Guess I tempted fate.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Hi everyone.

Yes its been a long time, no doubt. While some of you may say (and have said) that I have been too busy celebrating Obama's victory, in reference to my last post, I beg to differ. Obama won. Yay. Wooho. He's even been inaugurated. Joy. Now, he has to get down to serious work. Let's see what happens.

In the last few months, may things have happened. While some of them have been rather traumatic, many many many more have been very good. I have so much to be thankful to the Lord for. I have so much to be thankful to Aqa Moula (TUS) for. It is with his grace, blessings and prayers that I have achieved so much, received so much and been blessed so much. The debt can never be repayed. Moula it is you have have taught me to love, that is why I am purged of hate. It is you who have taught me to cry for Husain, that is why I am cleansed with my tears. It is you who call us to faith, that is why I have hope. It is you who is my source of comfort, that is why I have peace of mind.

But recently I have felt quite lost. I'm trying to grasp onto something, anything. It feels like I'm falling down a hole with no end. I try to keep calm but worry grips me. There are so many issues but I cannot seem to tackle any of them.

Hopefully, with his blessings, I'll be alright.